breathe in. independence. breathe out. scream.
i love it. i absolutely love being independent.
do you know how it feels like right now? do you know how i see it?
it feels like an adrenaline rush, and it shoots the blood up to your head, and you get this giddy feeling. it feels like that every time you breathe, it’s like drinking in air, and you can actually fly. you feel invincible. it feels like you’re standing on the edge of the precipice, about to take that awesome plunge down, and when your body hits the cold ocean water, and it engulfs you, you feel that this, this is what you’re born to do. to live life without regrets. it gives you a taste, a taste of true freedom. and you want more. crave more. live for it.
i’m not scared anymore. i’m not afraid of getting hurt anymore. that’s because i’m happy, invincible. no one can touch me. no one can hurt me. ever.
my breathing is uneven, shaky, as i think about all the limitless possibilities of things i could do with my life now. travel around the world. unencumbered. reach for the heavens, and come down with more than just moon rocks or stardust. i can breathe again. i don’t have to give a damn about someone else. i don’t have to consider the effects of my decisions would have on other people. i don’t have to compromise my dreams, my ambitions, my personality.
i don’t have to give up on things that make me, me. and i’m ready to embrace that. embrace that notion, embrace all that life has to offer me. my birthright. ordained even before my conception, from the highest throne. i’m free. forever.
asphyxiation
Your lungs close up. Your heart slows down. Your brain feels ready to combust spontaneously. The pressure is building up, ensnared around your heart, squeezing, constricting the airway. Your eyes see visions swimming, incoherently, unintelligibly.
You’re stuck.
Legs won’t move. Arms won’t reach out. Mouth won’t utter a cry. Tongue lying uselessly.
And, any second now, things will go blank. White, or black – whatever you’d like to believe. No turning back. Too late. Too little.
You’re gone.
><
Omg. >< Just finished my STAT215 exam. :( It wasn't too bad, I sorta knew what I was doing except for the final question. Now I'm cramming for my next exam: the Dreaded Organic Chem. Ohgosh. Have I mentioned abt how bad my standing is for now? I'm at a D! >< Sigh. Dear, dear God, please help me spot the questions! Thank you! Merci beaucoup! Grazi! Gracias! Xie Xie. Just please tell me what's coming out! >< :(
time-constraints.
cluttered mind.
Pulchritude
I love you.
Words.
I understand now why my mind is so restless. i can feel words swirling in there, unable to take solid form, as they normally do. as they used to do. they are in their most abstract, yet no less potent. can feel their tentacles, wrapping around my consciousness. can feel them, tangling themselves into my reality. manipulating. tugging at my heartstrings. clawing at my fortress. trying to get out and take form, take residence on paper or screen.
i can’t. i’m sorry.
i have to work now. perhaps, perhaps under the sun shine later. when i’m all done with this.
Beseeching Grace.
This is what you get for not honoring the Good Friday and Easter.
This is what you get for trying to escape from reality.
It’s not too late, I suppose, and I do hope You’d help me out, please? I’d like to not fail this class. At this end of the table, I know I’ve been playing the cards way too close to my heart, and that I should’ve laid it all on the table. Right now, I swear on Easter’s Day, on that empty tomb, that I’ll clean up my act and start growing up about this.
Thank you, thank you for the one person who cared enough to shove that bitter medicine down my throat.
An Ode to a Sunny Spring!
Je vous aime soleil!
Week is almost over! We have Friday off, so that’s good. I’ve no idea what to do, maybe just catch up on sleep or go out for a movie? :) Had dinner with Amerie & Amir the other day at Eat’n Park. *swoons* The cute waiter was there! Was so glad I decided to wear a turquoise spag strap top and a mini skirt. :) He still has the sweet, cute smile and his eyes are still shining! And he was so sweeeeeeeeeeeet~~~~~ Kya! I chanced a look at his name tag this time, and found that his name was Marc! Ooh! Of all the guys’ names I’ve come across so far, I’ve always been partial to Mark/Marc/any other derivations.
*laughs like maniac* hehehe.
So tempted to go there again, if only just to ogle at him. *dreamy sigh*
Somehow he reminds me of Remus Lupin. His voice is mellow, easy on the years. His laugh is … a bit weird. *shatters* Lol. His shaggy hair makes him look cute though, though I do prefer that he kept his hair short. Sigh. At least that makes his angular face look a bit sharper. All the angles are now softened.
Tak suka la. But can’t deny that he looks good. :> If only Eat’n Park was an on-campus thing, I would’ve applied to work there.
Sadly, it is not.
Never mind la. Aduh.
But this is why I love the sunshine right now. I get to wear all the pretty clothes I want to, and thanks to my rigorous exercising over the past few months, I look good in what I wear. :) And I can buy pretty, pretty clothes without caring that it shows my bulge, because I don’t have any bulge! :D haha!
Did I mention that i saw him staring? =) weeeeeeeeeeeeee *floats to the sky* Oh well. There’s nothing I can do about it.
My hands are tied.
rawr.
rawr.
Being Kind to Strangers
I’ve written a similar post before, titled Evil Bunneyh’s Guide to Schmoozing Favors. It came out as a guide of sorts, while also implying my dubious intentions and perhaps misleading my readers about my character. haha. Oops.
Since I’ve set foot in the US, I’ve gained various experiences. These experiences have enlightened me, broadened my perspectives, and shaped my character in a way that I couldn’t possibly imagine a year ago. These experiences made me relish my time here, left me to enjoy the solitude and peace the country had to offer me, and allowed me to reassess the lessons I’ve learned throughout the years. Most importantly though, these experiences have taught me of the tangible presence of God’s hand in my life and of the human nature.
We’ve all heard the various sorts of admonishments growing up, but essentially they mean the same thing: Do not talk to strangers. I was a very, very shy child back then, so the prohibition to talk to strangers was a no-brainer. Even among kids about my age, I would withdraw into my inner sanctum – my imagination. It wasn’t until kindergarten that I learned to make friends; even then I quickly learned that friendships are very, very volatile. One minute they were your friends, and the next time if you refuse them something, you are a stranger to them. It was a hard lesson to learn when you were five, let me tell you that, but that shaped my almost cynical view of human relationships, and marked the first time I thought long and hard about human nature. That, my dear reader, was also the first time I learned the skills of manipulation.
Anyway, I digress, but not completely. As I entered high school, I’ve learned to talk to strangers, but at the same time practicing the caution I was instilled with. I was curious and much too polite to turn away strangers with kind dispositions. Curious, because by then I was questioning a lot of things and my capacity for curiosity outgrew my parents’ capacity for answers. Malaysian strangers, I concluded, are very much different from the American ones I meet here. We have the inquisitive aunties who pry into your personal life with incision knives and sharp, steel scalpels; the older uncle who leers at your thigh, and if you’re on a train, perhaps grind himself against you; the barely-old-enough teenager who chats you up in vain hopes of getting your number; and the lost tourist who tries hard to speak in garbled Bahasa Malaysia to ask for directions while you stifle your giggles. Here, in the US, they are all random. There are no hidden agendas or other intentions for them to talk to you, save perhaps just to make conversation – and what a conversation it can be!
Why random? Because they wish you a good day, ask how you are, comment on the weather, comment on how bad the traffic is, comment about everything under the sun – to just pass the time away. They share about their day, their lives, kids, pets, spouses, and everything else that isn’t too personal, but just a tad friendlier than other topics. Of course, if you’re being chatted up by a fellow student, you’ll be sure to hear them grouse about their lecturers, studies, student government elections, and even how awkward it is to whisper in the elevator. Bear in mind, these are all strangers.
Sometimes, I chide myself for talking to strangers so easily, especially when I’m so far away from home. Such times of self-chastisement are usually followed by fervent prayers to keep me safe from creepy stalker guys who might rape/kill/torture/kidnap me someday. (You can never be too careful!) Other times, i wonder: What good would it bring me to be able to talk to strangers or at the very least, to be kind to them?
I got my answer today. :)
You see, I forgot to bring my keys out with me today. It wasn’t until I arrived at the meeting place to meet my friend that I remembered that, and with a cry of exasperation, I dashed off, clutching desperately to vain hopes that my roommates would be there to open the door for me. I didn’t want to ask the front desk, because I’d have to pay a fine of $25. I knocked, knocked and knocked, to no avail, and in a mad dash of brilliance, I rushed downstairs to the front desk to ask for my roommates’ phone numbers. They could not give me, for the sake of privacy, but they could call them for me. Oh, how my heart clenched and sunk when I heard that the calls went to voicemail. Nevertheless, the front desk person helped me to ask the maintenance man to open the door for me. He would only do so at his own discretion. I stood there, afraid that I would be refused, but when I saw who the maintenance man was, hope shone through. :) He was the resident maintenance man I’ve seen around, and each time, he’d greet me and I’d return the greetings warmly. :) So, he went up with me, and opened my door for me. :) heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. that’s twice now. Twice I’ve been saved by a stranger I was previously kind/warm to.
I suppose we’ll never know the consequences of our actions, but to me, every little thing counts. In times like this, it’s the sweet, kind little things that count. :)
implosion.
lately, since re-starting my miniature endeavors, i’ve stopped dreaming. dreaming as in the REM sorta thing. when i sleep, i wake up without remembering anything, other than utter blackness. at first i didn’t know why, and it felt so strange to be without dreams. somehow, some time after that i realized something.
i dream because i have no creative outlet at that time. that’s why my dreams are so wacky, so peculiar and so colorful. i don’t gain any inspiration from my dreams, but my subconscious appeared to have been searching frantically for the perfect creative outlet. hence, the implosion.
unfortunately, i’ve slowed down, miniature-wise. i’ve ventured back into writing again, as you can see from my previous posts. writing helps me put my emotions into neat, perfect categories. especially if i can decant them into characters, make them live it out realistically, so that i do not have to do it on my own. it helps keep me busy actually, and i really don’t mind it. unfortunately, i might not have time to write much now, since my exams are so near! and then i’ll be back in malaysia! whoopdedoo! can’t wait.
ah. speaking of which, i’m in a dilemma. i’m not sure what to bring home and what to leave behind – craft-supply, i mean. also, i’m gonna have to start packing now and clean my room. sigh. okok. gtg. church soon. nites.
Weekend Trip to Washington D.C.
Alright, the basics first:
Organizer: Residence Hall Association
Date: April 8-10
Occasion: National Cherry Blossom Festival
Accommodation: Courtyard by Marriotts, Tyson’s Corner.
Price: $49.
We were given so much free time, since all they had to do was drive us to Constitution Ave to watch the 10am parade and we were left to our own devices after that.
Firstly, this trip taught me that I should probably pick my traveling companions wisely. I’ll talk about that later.
Secondly, I got to see most of the places I wanted to see, take pretty pictures, and go shopping! 3-in-1 combo that’s difficult to top. hee.
So yes, I went up the Washington Monument, got up close to Abraham Lincoln’s statue at the Lincoln Memorial, and checked out the Jefferson Memorial. I didn’t get to go inside the White House’s compound, since that would mean I have to take up a lot of time just to queue up. Wish I had the luxury of time. Anyway, I went to the Smithsonian Institute, the castle. I’ve seen castles before, thanks to my UK trips, and sadly, this fell short of my expectations. Kinda makes you wonder just how Americans define a castle, actually. It’s a red building, with towers, but doesn’t even evoke any familiarity one would have with a typical castle. But let’s just humor them, shall we? So, I thought the Smithsonian Museum would be just like the British Museum. Turns out that it also fell short of my expectations. They had museums, and none manage to provoke any ounce of interest from me. I guess the British Museum spoiled all other museums for me.
I went to the International Spy Museum, which costs $18 just for entry, and you can’t take pictures. So, didn’t go in, but went to the gift shop instead.
Love the t-shirts there. Bought a few things. Also stumbled on the Sakura Matsuri, the Cherry Blossom Festival. It was fun, but the things sold there are generally expensive. Still, I managed to get a few pictures with some cosplayers, most of whom are African Americans, funnily enough.
All in all, I did a speed-tour of Washington DC downtown, but savored it all the same. =)
Pictures? Yes, coming right up.
- White House, in passing.
- Chinatown, in passing.
- National Archive, in passing.
- Washington Monument
- ‘Nuff Said.
- Cosplayers at the parade.
- Men in uniform. ;)
- World War II Memorial
- Lincoln Memorial
- Sakura Matsuri
- One of the better cosplaying groups
- Smithsonian Institute
- National Cherry Blossom Kite Festival
- the White House from Washington Monument.
- Obligatory Shot.
- International Spy Museum :)
Now, I shall talk more about traveling companions. This was such a nightmare. >.< A slow, agonizing death.
I made sure to take note of places where my companion wanted to go and do, and I informed her of the things I would dearly love to do, and see. Of course, being the polite and generous person that I am, I made it a point that we did and saw all the things she wanted first, and then get on with my program. Ah, and here we see the obstinate jaw jut out. Such unbecoming behavior. She started whining about how her feet hurt, and how we wouldn’t have ample time to do all the things, and why we should go back to rest. At first, I agreed, yes, perhaps we should stop somewhere and rest and then pick up where we left off. I thought that would at least appease her or something. Oh, no, no. Such a trivial accommodation to her needs are too minute, not enough to compensate her for her pain. In fact, we were at the festival, and I assisted her wholeheartedly in finding the shop and item that she wanted, and as soon as she got what she wanted, she was ready to leave. At this, I thought to myself, there, there now… she’s just tired. it’s just the fatigue talking. So I told her that we would wander around to a few more stalls, and then we’ll go. I did just that, kept to my word to the “few” (2-3 stalls) and then we set off.
That night, I asked her if she wanted to come along with me to the mall. We would get a shuttle to go there. She agreed. I thought with at least 1 hour to recuperate, she would be some sort of more agreeable than before. She was, until she decided that she was sleepy, after walking for only 15 minutes after dinner. Yes, I too, was exhausted, but I trudged on, without a single complaint too. She simply could not keep her opinions of how exhausted she was to herself. I could deal with perhaps 1-2 repetitions of such proclamations, but really, do you really need to say more than 5 times every 5 minutes? Pull a face each time I pop into a shop? I did ask you to come if you wanted to, but perhaps you should have given more thought as to how exhausted you were and not come along if you were so tired. Then perhaps, you wouldn’t need to bother me incessantly with your wellbeing. I have limits too.
Nevertheless, again, I accommodated to her whims and exhaustion and agreed to go back earlier. The next day, I told her, I’d like to visit a few places, but we would visit the places she wanted to see first. Ah, she repeated her behavior from the day before. I was nearing the end of my sanity, so to speak, and also my limited patience. My friends would vouch for me and tell you that they have hardly ever seen me blown my top off, and all they’ve seen would be controlled anger. So controlled that at first glance, I really do look like I’m enjoying myself instead of seething with venomous anger. I snapped at her, a few times, in several scenarios. Let me enlighten you.
Scenario #1: A foreign tourist came up to us, and spoke in broken English (he’s from China), and asked me about certain things about the Washington Monument. When he went away, she commented that “[she] get[s] annoyed when they don’t bother to learn the language first before coming here.” Oh dear me. How ignorant can you be? “I’m also talking about illegal immigrants.” I pointed out to her, in the hopes of enlightening her with the ways of the world that she obviously is not acquainted with as of yet, that those illegal immigrants are here because they are desperate, in need of job opportunities, and that tells us that they lack the privilege of proper education, and hence, unable to learn the language of the country that they intend to sneak into. She shut up.
Scenario #2: After coming down from Washington Monument from which I managed to take a few shots of the White House, she asked me if I was still keen on going to the White House itself. I said I was. She replied by saying, “But you’ve already seen it from the Monument!” I refrained myself – trust me, I have greater control over my tongue these days – from pointing out to her that seeing it from afar is not the same as going there and relishing the sight up close for yourself, much like her obsession with the Washington Monument (she could never stop talking about it, and would each time point out to it while we are walking, and kept on saying how much she’d like to go up there soon). Alas, I was too kind. I merely said, “But I still want to go there. You can stay here if you want.” She refused, and followed me instead.
Scenario #3: I told her earlier in the day that we should try to go back by 2pm, i.e. finish touring downtown DC. She expressed her doubts that we could make it on time. I told her we could try. My last place to visit was the International Spy Museum, and by 1.30pm, we were still waiting for the train. By 1.50pm, we had just arrived at the last station before setting out to find said museum. Now, throughout that time, she would not stop talking about how we could not possibly make it by 2pm. Yes, thank you, I am very much aware of the time constraint and the sheer improbability of making it on time. Really, repeating yourself at least twice every five minutes isn’t getting you anywhere. Besides, we were already on-board the train, what else can you do? I did offer for her to stay somewhere – perhaps the National Archives – and I would fetch her on the way back. An offer she refused, on the count that she was afraid that we would get lost. Pardon me for asking, but how on earth can you get lost if you stay put in one place and just wait there? Nevertheless, I refrained from asking such a question, knowing that it would do nothing but sully my good, diplomatic reputation. Finally, just as we were walking towards the museum, she voiced out her doubts again, and I finally snapped and said, “I know.” Do understand, dear reader, that the italics emphasize the word, and I actually did use the same tone when telling her that. So she shut up.
I pointedly told her that she should feel free to head off to the hotel whilst I make use of my remaining time at the mall and come back by 4. She refused, saying that she would not know what to do with her time (we were to depart at 5pm), and decided to tag along. *inward groan and gnashing of teeth* I duly informed her that there will be lots of walking, and she should feel free also to take rest at her own liberty, and that I would not be impeded by her incessant whining. Of course, that last part was hinted at, and never explicitly said.
Besides that, she has shown unattractive tendencies to invade my privacy and claim my company as her own. On several occasions when I received text messages and replied, I noticed and caught her looking at my screen, trying to read what was being typed. She even had the audacity to meet my pointed stare with a defiant one of her own, as though my attentions should only be tailored to her, and her alone. I did not say a word at this, but merely quirked an eyebrow to show how unamused I was at her unflattering behavior. Perhaps because I did not voice out my discomfort or displeasure at this behavior, she continued to do so at various points of our travels, unabashed. Even when I emphatically turned my body away and shield the screen away from her prying eyes, she still strove to see what was being written. I ignored her completely after that, not caring at all if she said anything at all.
I’m sorry for sounding so sarcastic, and entirely too proper in my sarcasm. sigh. In a nutshell, this is what she did to annoy me:
- Being selfish – after completing her tasks, etc, she wanted to go back to the hotel.
- Whining – once is enough, maybe twice and I shall still be friendly… but ALL THE FREAKING TIME?
- Scowling when things don’t go her way
- Being ignorant and speaking like an idiot savant – watch your words before you speak la. Mau kena sepak ka?
- Invading my privacy – i caught her looking at the screen of my phone while I typed messages or checked in on foursquare.
I hope to Heaven and All Things Good that I wouldn’t have this sort of traveling companion ever. Completely immature, ignorant, and inconsiderate. =.= Lesson learned: Lay down the ground rules before agreeing to an offer of a traveling companion. Do not accept just because you pity them (I’m an independent traveler, so I don’t mind traveling alone – I do bring my pepper spray and whatnot.)
Here are things I expect:
- Flexibility – plans can and will change. Of course, I will try to accommodate your wants and needs and whims, and I expect the same in return.
- Endurance & Patience – our feet will hurt from walking, yes, so don’t start whining. If you need rest, speak up, and we can arrange that. If someone needs rest, don’t pull a face. If you are so adamant of going through with your plan, offer an alternative.
- Good conversation – I’m not interested in what you’re doing to your feet in order to relieve your pain. ’nuff said.
- Consideration – be kind to one another. =.=
- Manners – especially when asking for help. Lack of manners speak volumes about your character. It shows that you don’t take other people’s feelings or circumstances into consideration.
- Frankness – if you’ve got something that bothers you, speak up! Don’t beat around the bush or formulate a mathematical solution or compose an epic poem. Just say it as it is. =.=
Gah. I look forward to seeing DC again, with different company next time.
huge sigh.
my results are not good.
all of them.
slacking behind.
i feel like giving up.
i just want to throw in the towel.
goes against everything i stood for in the past, but it’s so tempting.
five years from now, i’m gonna look back at this and laugh. shake my head and think, what on earth was i thinking?
well, honestly – i just don’t know. so much is going on and i’m just slowly slipping away, away from it all. i just want to be stuck in limbo. in nothing. just embrace doing nothing. but i can’t. i gotta move, move, move. i can’t stop, can’t breathe, and i’m drowning, always drowning.
















