my heart is full.

it is repaired.

healed.

i’ve been dwelling on it, since i found out. it took me a lonely train ride to ponder on things, and resolve it with a fool-proof solution: prayer. it worked instantaneously, actually. i found myself renewed, in thoughts. when i got off the train, it felt like a burden was lifted off of me. i was so glad.

today, i was challenged. and i rose up to it. proudly.

i have no fear. no more lingering doubt. and no regrets. my soul is purged.

dear dad.

so frustrated with my british literature. i have no idea what to write. i’m so sleepy. i don’t wanna care anymore.

im stuck.

who am i now?

at each milestone in my life – primary school, secondary, college, now university – i’ve always changed. deliberately. i adjust, change, and evolve the better techniques. as of now, i feel as though i’m stuck in college. is this because i still have ties to inti?

when i look back, i usually take a few friendships out of the school context, and they flourish well. those that are so ingrained within the school environment usually die when exposed to the real world. i would then cut my ties to my previous lives. and now, i try so hard to bring the latter type of friendship to the real world. i suppose i should leave them be. leave them, and cherish the few that i have now. i have not cut my ties. in fact, i willingly let myself be trapped in it.

i should go on. move on, beyond. never again.

become someone beyond recognition. better. the best.

heck yeah. i’m a slytherin. no way around it. oh well.

mm.

so.

i was thinking, you know, about making a survival guide in the US. but it varies from state to state. meh. iuno. see la. so far there isn’t any extended interest in doing so.

sooooooooooooooooooooooo.

i’m leaving soon. for the airport. for nilai.

i feel kinda bad though. i’ve been sorta avoiding the nagging and unnecessary lectures. and there was some collateral damage: my uncle. i’m sorry, but ah. for the sake of self-preservation. omg. here we go again. gahhhhhhhh. ai. my patience is running thin. my sarcasm level is reaching an all-time high. venom is nearly released. gahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

i normally just suck it in and keep my cool. normally. but if you continually press the panic button, the anger button, the annoying button… it’s bound to malfunction at some point eh? i need something to take my mind off things. idk what. oh well. so. it’s been a difficult 5-day trip. honestly, feels like forever. ==

i don’t usually bottle up my emotions, contrary to popular belief. someone said that i don’t trust other people with my emotions. haha, wrong. i do, just that i have a select few with whom i’m honest. =D these people are the kind that i can trust to be objective and rational about handling my emotions. thank God for them. when i do bottle up my emotions, it’s because i don’t have a proper outlet to release them. such as privacy to do my own things. like i said, no privacy, no freedom. ==

i know i changed a lot. but how?

lol. well. for some reason, i’ve gotten… more ruthless and calculative.

people usually see me as a nice, easygoing person to talk to. little do they know that i evaluate my interactions and weigh the pros and cons in my mind before actually interacting with them. i’m not calculative with money, never will be anyway. but i’ve always been calculative with my affection, trust and favor. yeah, i sound as though i’m somebody eh? lol. iuno. a conversation with a friend of mine comes to mind. we were talking about her not having a good rep among her acquaintances, and i told her that being nice just once or twice is all it takes to sweeten the relationship. especially with people you’re not close to. i don’t share my heart out with people, partly because well, come to think of it, i don’t have one. sometimes i think i’m a sociopath, but then i do have occasional bouts of empathy, so that can’t be my problem, can it?

but i told her, that if she needs something, she’s gotta know how to sweeten the relationship before asking for something. the both of us could care less about what other people think, but these people would then spread the word about our callousness, and that wouldn’t be favorable to our future endeavors now, would it? so it’s always best to just make them feel good, even if we don’t mean it, they won’t know unless we tell them. they show amazing short-sightedness when it comes to human goodness. human, inherently and naturally good? i think not. we were, once. that’s an old story.

so. the end justifies the means. sometimes, not so. sigh. iuno. all i know is that sometimes, i do feel tempted to just voice out opinions that i know would shake foundations. XD people would call me a heretic.

is it because i like being different? possibly. i don’t like conforming. i’ve always had a problem with authority and rules. lol. don’t we all? for me, it’s rather chronic. meh. doesn’t matter.

of the many privileges in life that i have, i value my freedom and privacy a lot. i don’t fancy it being taken away from me. since going over to the West, it’s been a bliss. no one dares to cast a judgmental eye on my doings. unlike here, even when in Nilai, though i doubt i showed much care for it. i don’t think so. it’s not like i use my freedom and privacy for things frowned upon, i just don’t fancy it being taken away from me by some cocky start-up who thinks it’s their God-given right to impose their beliefs on other people.

14 years, my parents have been taking me to church. i’ve heard the sermons. sermons about repentance, about how we are sinners, how we have damned ourselves. the fire and brimstone. hellfire. and you know what?

it didn’t do much good in bringing me to God. it didn’t make me repent. it didn’t, and wouldn’t shake me.

there’s a reason why God came up with Jesus’ death plan. because the Old Covenant is obsolete. it didn’t do much good, and isn’t about to do any good anyway.

i was 15 when i came to Him. you know why? i found out that my friends prayed for me. and asked strangers to pray for me. i didn’t understand it. i couldn’t. i mean, WHO THE HELL PRAYS FOR STRANGERS? pardon the language, but srsly, wtf?! and i went to a different church after.

it was so different. i was like, whoa. what’s this love thing? so different. and i was healed.

i’ve come a long way from that 12 year old punk in primary school who spent her breaks breaking people’s noses and stuff. and i’m glad.

buzzzzzz. buzzzz.

man. when i see a bee, i wanna squash them to pieces. ooh, tummy growl. well. i digress.

i’m so busy!

main priority now is to get the leather cuff bracelet done. then, i have to finish Kylie and Evelyn’s bracelets. hopefully my stock arrives SOON, before my Kuching trip, so I can fulfill Lynne, Enthel and Evelyn’s orders. ={ please Dad, please.

ah. so. for now. sleep. while i still can. Papa is bringing me out to look at some stuff. =)