i know i changed a lot. but how?

lol. well. for some reason, i’ve gotten… more ruthless and calculative.

people usually see me as a nice, easygoing person to talk to. little do they know that i evaluate my interactions and weigh the pros and cons in my mind before actually interacting with them. i’m not calculative with money, never will be anyway. but i’ve always been calculative with my affection, trust and favor. yeah, i sound as though i’m somebody eh? lol. iuno. a conversation with a friend of mine comes to mind. we were talking about her not having a good rep among her acquaintances, and i told her that being nice just once or twice is all it takes to sweeten the relationship. especially with people you’re not close to. i don’t share my heart out with people, partly because well, come to think of it, i don’t have one. sometimes i think i’m a sociopath, but then i do have occasional bouts of empathy, so that can’t be my problem, can it?

but i told her, that if she needs something, she’s gotta know how to sweeten the relationship before asking for something. the both of us could care less about what other people think, but these people would then spread the word about our callousness, and that wouldn’t be favorable to our future endeavors now, would it? so it’s always best to just make them feel good, even if we don’t mean it, they won’t know unless we tell them. they show amazing short-sightedness when it comes to human goodness. human, inherently and naturally good? i think not. we were, once. that’s an old story.

so. the end justifies the means. sometimes, not so. sigh. iuno. all i know is that sometimes, i do feel tempted to just voice out opinions that i know would shake foundations. XD people would call me a heretic.

is it because i like being different? possibly. i don’t like conforming. i’ve always had a problem with authority and rules. lol. don’t we all? for me, it’s rather chronic. meh. doesn’t matter.

of the many privileges in life that i have, i value my freedom and privacy a lot. i don’t fancy it being taken away from me. since going over to the West, it’s been a bliss. no one dares to cast a judgmental eye on my doings. unlike here, even when in Nilai, though i doubt i showed much care for it. i don’t think so. it’s not like i use my freedom and privacy for things frowned upon, i just don’t fancy it being taken away from me by some cocky start-up who thinks it’s their God-given right to impose their beliefs on other people.

14 years, my parents have been taking me to church. i’ve heard the sermons. sermons about repentance, about how we are sinners, how we have damned ourselves. the fire and brimstone. hellfire. and you know what?

it didn’t do much good in bringing me to God. it didn’t make me repent. it didn’t, and wouldn’t shake me.

there’s a reason why God came up with Jesus’ death plan. because the Old Covenant is obsolete. it didn’t do much good, and isn’t about to do any good anyway.

i was 15 when i came to Him. you know why? i found out that my friends prayed for me. and asked strangers to pray for me. i didn’t understand it. i couldn’t. i mean, WHO THE HELL PRAYS FOR STRANGERS? pardon the language, but srsly, wtf?! and i went to a different church after.

it was so different. i was like, whoa. what’s this love thing? so different. and i was healed.

i’ve come a long way from that 12 year old punk in primary school who spent her breaks breaking people’s noses and stuff. and i’m glad.