Disclaimer: The author, while applying most if not all of the following tips, does not condone malicious intent or behavior as a result of an errant reader’s attempt of also applying these steps. Injuries or claims regarding failure to apply these tips successfully are entirely the readers’ responsibility. :D

There’s a fine line – very, very fine, I assure you – between being a sleazy suck-up and a well-mannered person deserving of favors bestowed upon them. I can proudly claim that I belong to the latter category, and doing very well in it too. My methods have been dubbed as unfair or almost callous, yet they work and the recipient of my treatments are never, never disagreeable with me. In fact, they willingly acquiesce to my every whim. How do I do this, you ask? Ah. It comes with charm. Always with charm.

So you don’t think you have the charm to beguile someone into doing something for you? Well, this post is here just for that – to show you exactly how it can be done. All it takes is a wee bit of practice.

Weapon of choice

A beatific smile and sparkles in your eyes. No, really. I mean it, don’t roll your eyes. Beatific: sweet, angelic, divine, heavenly, ethereal… you get the picture. Sparkle in your eyes? Make sure you’re focused on making the person see the smile in your eyes. Just think of happy thoughts, and your eyes will do the sparkling for you.

A little word of caution before I continue: This deadly combo has been misconstrued many, many times as flirting. Rest assured, short of casually touching the other person from time to time (which is not encouraged, unless you’re really flirting) this combo is NOT a flirting mechanism.

I wish I could show you how that looks like actually, but I’ve been told by many that the sparkle in my eyes is really a mischievous gleam. *dramatic sigh* oh, well. It has so far worked for me, so if you can already achieve that sweet look, you’re good to go.

Tactical Strategies

It sounds like we’re at war. We are, sort of. Have you ever watched Mulan? The first movie where the Huns wanted to invade China, and they scaled the Great Wall – that’s exactly the mental picture I want you to imagine right now. You’re the Hun, and the other person you’re interacting with in hopes of getting some freebies and whatnot has the Great Wall protecting him. He is wary of your every move, and any attempt to scale the wall will alert his secondary defense to go up before you can say Mushu.

So, how do you get past that Great Wall then? Easy peasy. Manipulate his emotions. Use it, not against him unless you’re trying to win an argument, but use it subtly. Do not alert him to whatever it is you’re doing by overdoing it. You’d want him to take notice enough to give you what you want, so don’t underdo it. Tricky eh? Let me elaborate.

Be polite. Remember what your parents told you about minding your p’s and q’s? Yeah, listen to them and use it. Excuse me, please, thank you, have a great day, God bless you, pardon me, etc. These words should be in your vocab, within reach too. They should roll off your tongue so easily that no matter where you go or what you do or who you talk to, you’re always remembered as that nice, polite Asian/American boy/girl. :D

Words don’t quite cut it though, so you have to put in your actions as well. When in need of help, exaggerate a look of desperation and dismay, frown but try to smile politely as you ask them with those fine manners of yours how to get to somewhere, or if they know something, or have something that could help you. Frown meaning furrow your eyebrows, that’s the extent of it. Look exceptionally agitated, but don’t fidget. Just show it from your face. This will indicate to them that you are trying to be in control of the situation, but clearly it is bothering you and it is therefore their duty as decent people to help you out. Trust me, they’d feel obligated to do so. ;) I’ve done it soooooo many times. :D

For example, I was late in getting to the bus, and I could see that it was full. No bus driver would admit me in, but I couldn’t afford to be late. My solution? Look shocked that the bus is full, heave my shoulders up in an exaggerated sigh, and walk dejectedly towards the bus stop, and look down on the ground as though the day couldn’t get any worse than this. A minute later, the bus door opened, and I looked like I found an oasis in a desert (imagine it!) but stepped cautiously towards the bus (as though you think it’s a dream). The bus driver told me, “I’ve been watching you, so get in!” And I thanked him profusely, and let out a loud sigh of relief. When I got down, I made sure I wished him a good day, so that he would remember me somehow ;)

Am I sneaky or what?

This is what I do when I think I’m lost, or stranded, or in need of help. Of course, if you are any sneakier than I am, you’d want to try to obtain favorable impression for yourself for future use. Say for example, your professor or TA. Ah, it’s a bit tricky actually, but it can be done.

With authority figures who aren’t corrupt (read: not politicians, or those who want to use you in return), but are still very inaccessible emotionally (hidden depths, strict, high standards, intolerant of tardiness), do not suck up to them. Showing that you do not have a spine of your own and are willing to even lick their boots to get a boost in your grade or extension for your deadlines will only spark their ire. You, to them, are contemptuous and undeserving of what little affection they can afford to bestow upon you. So what do you do? … Easy. Earn their respect. If they are particular about certain things, meet those requirements. Also, smile politely (quick curving of your lips, preferably non-toothy), nod professionally (in acknowledgment of the distance and status quo ;) ) and greet them whenever you see them. This will indicate that though you are a delightful person, you are also very professional.

As for those corrupted authority figures – don’t bother with them. Really. They are out to get something out of you too, so don’t fall into that sticky mess, because you can never get out of it.

As for authority figures who are slightly more accessible (read: friendlier), do not attempt to suck up to them either. This will not earn you brownie points with your peers, and by now, you should understand that diplomacy allows you luxury, in many, many ways. Don’t burn your bridges. :D So what do you do? Apply all the same steps for the inaccessible authority figures, but add a touch of concern there. Such as, “Are you alright? You look upset.” “How’s your weekend?” “I hope so-and-so went well for you!” They’d be touched that someone cared for them as much as you do. Then again, do it moderately. Don’t ask every week or every time! Just do it sparingly but enough to keep yourself in their good books. ;) Again, politeness is key. Just because they’re friendlier doesn’t make them your bitch.

Defending against enemy fire

Ah. This is when someone who can’t keep their mouth shut, or the person you used the tactics on is actually a meanie, calls you out on your tricks. The best tip of all? Pretend you don’t know anything. If you apply all these tips on everyone, they can’t call you out for being oddly well-mannered around them. Sure, they might be uncomfortable that you are always so polite, and might hate you for it, but they don’t have concrete evidence against you. So pretend you don’t know anything, bring them down gently, and smooth ruffled feathers before deftly changing the topic. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO JOKE ABOUT IT. This will be misconstrued as admission of guilt. Best way is to fake blissful ignorance.

Your Victims Opponents

Choosing the object of your attentions wisely is also vital to your success! If you’re a girl, try applying these tactics on males (it will usually work). Do not approach men who appear to be married or attached (if it’s just asking for help on the streets). Approach younger men, or older men. :D If you don’t want to feel like a flirt, approach older women too. It works. You can try approaching college-age girls, but do not go near ones who whip out their cell phones so easily. They tend to get annoyed when you interrupt them. Just go for the ones who are standing idly. ;)

For guys, your options are somewhat limited. But go for older women, and perhaps college-age girls. Read above. You can try approaching men of the same age, or older. But the tactics applied (especially that dashing smile and sparkle) might make them think you’re gay. And you never know when you stumble upon a gay guy who might be interested in you. Haha.

Guilty conscience?

Don’t be guilty about it. You’re not doing anything wrong! :) Besides, you’re not harming anyone anyway. Yeah, sure, you may balk at the idea of emotionally enslaving someone, but hey, they feel good about it, so why can’t you? :D

 

So there you go. This is by no means a cut-and-dry guide of how to schmooze your way through, and more substance will be added on to it once I gain more experience. ;)