over my head.
i think i’m in so deep and over my head with this one. 
i’m pretty much lacking in the emotions department, in case no one noticed. i mean, at times, i feel like a sociopath, just because i can imitate emotions pretty awesomely. i was just talking to Renu the other day, and she said that my mask is slipping lately.
idk.
i wonder if that’s a good thing, or it’s a terrible byproduct of being isolated from my longtime close friends. so it has come to my attention that i do emote more frequently now, and that does not please me. it leaves me without a guide on how i should act. i really feel loss now, because it’s been so long since i’ve allowed myself to show how i feel. there should be moderation, but how do you know when enough is enough?
anyway, another problem with this is that… i may have gotten myself into a tangle with a person of interest. a guy, to be clear. quite attractive, indian descent, muslim. >< we’re really close, and lately since his friend returned to germany, he’s been hanging out with me more and more. proximity + exposure = attraction. NOT GOOD. he’s … pretty much possessive over my time and company (read: very physically affectionate and wants to hang out a lot). i mean, i get it, coz i’ve spent my formative years being around the same sort. == and i don’t want to get into that again. he’s sweet and all, but no. i think i’ve made it clear to him, verbally (apparently that’s the only method that works) but i’m not sure if he’s gotten the message or he thinks persistence pays off. == not with me. and it’s been a long time since i’ve been physically affectionate with people, so it kinda feels nice to have it reciprocated. D: i’m so dead aren’t i?
You know, I wish people would stop taking me for granted. Knowing me for a while doesn’t mean you’ve seen all of me. Why do you feel the need to contain me under a single superficial label?
watch me.
productivity’s my middle name. ;)
not.
oh well.
i believe i am regaining my creative juices. so, with spring just at my doorstep, i shall begin to bring my camera around to capture nature shots. :) also, i shall start doing miniatures again – just for the heck of it.
i shall also continue writing stories/drabbles/poetry. meh. i’m that awesome.
Poetry
So i recently posted a few of my poems – feel free to read them. I have written poetry in the past, but never took it seriously as i did in this class. just learned the beauty of free verse poetry.
a few things to consider when you read my poems:
- enjambments – this is when the end of the line isn’t the end of the sentence, like when i end the line of the stanza and run it in the second line as well or third. you can read into the why i arrange it that way, why there’s an extra word or two at the end of the line, what does it mean? etc.
- juxtaposition – i like to use contrasting images. just because i think it creates an interesting effect.
also, there is a page where you can basically find a list of my current works – including poetry.
The People There are Not the People Here
Someday, the mother whispered
with tear-laced voice and solemn eyes,
smell freshly mowned grass,
Finding freedom
running through trees,
laughter echoing in warm summer sun.
He believes her, the little boy dreams
of daisies, lilacs and daffodils.
Hope is and was
a promise to seek
for one’s lost love
to be returned.
Another journal prompt: 4-line stanzas, enjamb one line per poem, no rhyme, 2 people need to exist.
Underneath the Ironwood
Rapturous moans from under the ironwood,
bathed in a glorious moonlight.
The apple stolen from a factory pantry,
producing joy, nourishing ancient bodies
that have forgotten simple pleasures.
Broken smile, tattered hopes
frayed around the edges.
Shoulders collapsing against silent rocks.
Giggles and solemn eyes melding
rushing, hidden beneath.
Belying the chemistry — explosive.
As they celebrate their freedom— a past
illusion.
A journal prompt that had to include these words: apple, breakage, tattered, moonlight, rocks, ironwood, ancient, collapse, shoulders, body, factory, chemistry.
Ode to the Coconut
The hard, brown shell
hairy, its shape fitting
perfectly in the cup of your hands,
Belying the sweetness contained inside.
The flesh is white, hard to the touch.
Soft and tender as teeth sinks into flesh,
a tiny taste of sweetness escaping,
disappearing down the throat —
like gold nuggets slipped into a pocket.
The glorious aftertaste lingers upon the tongue,
the fragrance rising up to the olfactory sense,
reminding one of pina coladas by the beach,
cold, ticklish waves crashing upon one another,
and seagulls soaring with the wind.
The chill coconut water quenches
parched throats, overheated bodies cooled,
limbs relaxed and eyes fluttered shut
in pure bliss.
A journal prompt based on a picture of a coconut. :)
An Ode to Calvin and Hobbes
The Boy and Tiger,
figures of my childhood,
still there, always
barreling, bouncing, clambering
into corners of a smile.
Breeding giggles and chortles —
tokens of a happiness still cherished.
Spaceman Spiff and President-and-First-Tiger,
they’re called
rambunctious, adventurous, impossible
burrowed, at home in colorful spaces
of my imagination, never leaving.
Delightful inventions made of
cardboard boxes, water guns and colander are
sparks of ingenuity, crackling
with kismet and philosophy and irony,
colliding in a tumble
of poignance and jest.
Nobody understands
their wicked appeal
or Hobbes’ need for more tuna
or why racoons shouldn’t have to die
or what a Dad must do to bring his Dad polls up.
More than just:
a comic strip
a boy and his stuffed tiger
a silly story of a dinosaur and human insect.
They are my friends –
don’t mention the Noodle incident,
hide from the babysitter, and
play Calvinball and not play the same way twice.
They’ve charmed me
with far-fetched tales of space travel
and soaring through trees on a small red wagon.
They’ve got me hooked
on sidewalk drawings (suburban postmodernism, Hobbes)
and eating tiger food.
Long ago, and the fact remains
I promised Calvin
I’ll never go anywhere.
This is basically a free verse ode, and also a work-in-progress, seeing as I’m waiting for my instructor to give me his feedback on this piece. =) Feedback is appreciated. :)
A Child of the Storm
That rugged smile, mischievous
beginnings of mercurial wit
and wicked humor,
much like a lightning
herald of the storm. His voice
and laughs, like rumbles
of thunder. He is
the only calm in chaos
sole reason in absurdity.
He gives
love in abandoned breadth,
kindness with bottled grace,
repose cloaked around turmoil,
and wisdom camouflaged in jest.
A child of Gemini, baby of June.
With classic rock and zeal for knowledge
etched in his soul. A rock—
sturdy and tenacious—he grips
my curiosity and faith.
My father, teacher and friend—
With his dangerously disarming demeanor, he
defuses explosive tantrums,
delights his distraught kids,
and captivates his beloved wife’s affections.
A solemn face, hiding
a knowing smirk, and with quiet words,
he tucks away in secret,
his sacred faith in family
and his impetuous ardor for mom.
He blazes through
in life
always forging forward
led by his Captain and Lord.
There may be revisions to this though, as soon as I get feedback from my creative writing instructor. :) Feedback, again, is appreciated. Also, poetry is meant to be read out loud (apparently), so please do so. :)
The Blank Postcards on the Wall
They’re snippets, of a life filled
with adventures, journey, and discovery
of your lost self.
Nothing on their backs, just
white space, plain
lines and some notes
that don’t tell the whole story.
More than pictures, they are
reflections of you, your passion
and your need for connection.
The magnificent Chicagoan skyline in all its glory, hides
your family of three, cousins and nephew
living in Bucktown, your home
away from home.
The breath-taking red steel
of the Golden Gate Bridge,
bathed in San Francisco sunset;
its spartan back is devoided
of a story of two friends, uncovering the joy
in each other, life and faith.
The regal Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip,
waving on their palace balcony, in full costume
and all smiles, did not know
of a mother, brother and sister
traversing the streets of London
aboard the tube, in a quest
to see the mummies in the British Museum.
The glossy bare whiteness, and no one
knows or understands why it is so.
It is a secret for you to keep
a whisper for comfort,
a gentle wink-and-nudge for good days,
and it shouldn’t be
for anyone else.
We were assigned to write a short write poem about something we find in our room, and I had a bunch of blank postcards from where I’ve been. :)
Mummy, a Portrait
Imitation of Carole Simmons Oles’ “Stonecarver”
Don’t look at her face now.
Pale and sunken cheeks, tired eyes
wan like the waxing moon:
missing someone to banter with,
the laughter that cheered her.
Those lips smiled for her child,
made her spirits soar
far beyond her imagination.
Don’t think of her hands
holding the newspaper trembling
rough fingers flipping the page, her sigh
silenced in a cup of black coffee and Clorox,
her weathered skin.
Think of the one who woke up
at 5 a.m. getting ready
every morning,
who stayed a little longer in the car
to wait in case her child forgot something.
Keep her the lady in the pictures,
standing in front of the Colosseum
face lit up in a grin, arm around
your father.
Keep her face smiling
crying, holding back anger, understanding
saying things to heal you,
make you stronger,
your mother’s smile your beacon in the storm.
We had to imitate a poem. :)
Miri
They come out here to look
but they don’t see. The frail old man,
his haggard daughter in-law, his grandson, barely ten
working, perspiring in tropical heat
scurrying to take the order, to serve
customers who don’t thank, don’t smile, don’t care.
It’s a hawker stall, selling noodles and soup.
Just one by the dusty tar street.
They drive in silver SUVs, roaring
speeding to shopping malls. Normal
days are like this, they say. Feel the breeze
hate the heat, live in the moment. Buying
what they can’t afford. More shops
mean more money to spend, more things to see, more time
to waste. They ask for more malls, more shops
but they forgot –
this town is not theirs.
The oil rig on Canada Hill is maintained, history
they say, she’s got a name: The Grand Old Lady.
She overlooks the town, sees the reclaimed beaches
the towering skyscrapers.
If you, who came to look, and saw
the smile of the coffeeshop owner, weathered hands and glistening face
and hear the children’s laughter in playgrounds,
the rooster crowing at odd times, the clangs and bangs
of pots and pans and clinks of glasses and porcelain bowls
as the workers clear the tables in food courts
If you can feel the heat, and get in your black sedan
driving, almost aimlessly, until you see the shop
that sells ais batu kacang, cendol, and fried ice cream
And if you can taste and smell the aroma
of fried kuey tiaw and kolok mee, the nasi lemak and roti canai,
The kuey chap, and laksa Sarawak – you’re spoilt for choice
for breakfast. Lunch is chicken rice, dinner is seafood, with crabs and rice,
You’ll know that life in Miri is content, as good as it gets,
and simple.
First poem assignment – imitate a poem and write about your hometown. :)
of a new nucleus, the friendship closet & poetry
so i’ve gotten myself new friends. 
in with the new, out with the old? not so simple. i don’t think i have an easy time making close friends, but acquaintances and not-so-close friends are pretty much easy. to me, i gotta be able to click with them, and be myself around me – no persona. of course i’ll keep a few secrets. that’s a given. i thought that there was something wrong with me me when i got here but was unable to click with anyone in particular. and i didn’t try hard enough – just because i don’t think you should force what can’t happen.
so … chewlian, kahwai and renu – three individuals with whom i’m very comfortable. :) they’re brutally honest, and definitely do not mince words when they speak. =.= why do i end up with these sort of people? == must be my upbringing. XD we hang out, not so much as people think we do, but when we do, it’ll always be epic. quality time. after all, i have to work and study, and so do all of them. we hardly have a weekend off, so for valentine’s day weekend, we went to golden corral for a buffet, with rouffy. boy. what an adventure. we missed the bus, walked to target, went shopping, watched a movie, miss two late night buses, and got home by taxi. that was enough adventure for the night.
two weekends after that, we went on a ski trip, coz it was cheap. lol. had an awesome time falling down. we also went with connie, harith, naqeeb, rouffy and ern. it was chaos. only kahwai and connie skied with us, and they were uber sweet! kahwai was the fall-and-get-up-yourself-or-you’ll-never-learn type of teacher, and connie was simply so patient and helpful. oh gosh. XD and i took advantage of the situation and hugged kahwai from the back so we could ski in tandem. XDDDDDDDD smart neh?? lol. it was a lot of fun.
and then last weekend, we went to pittsburgh for another buffet, this time at hokkaido seafood buffet. they had chocolate fountain! the food was ok-ok. then we went to the cheesecake factory, and i shared a godiva choc cheesecake with renu, which, by far was my favorite! although chewlian’s kahlua cheesecake was awesome too! <3<3 i’m also finding that chewlian is very much like kelvian – food-wise. XD i can trust him on food recommendations, most def. ;)
all this talk about my awesome possum life would have made stan or rubbie comment on wasting taxpayers’ money. did not. i worked my ass off for the trips. on top of that, i have an average of a B on O-chem and without my careless mistakes, i might get an A in biochem. i’m still aiming for As in both subjects. Japanese, Writing Theory and Creative writing are easy peasy :) Thank God for good brains for language. ><
speaking of creative writing, wrote a few poems. might share some day, when i’m satisfied with editing them. i apparently have a good eye and ear for describing sights and sounds, and my language is flawless. :D nyahahahahahahahaa. oh well. next challenge would be fiction. i just hope i don’t mess up on that one. D:
a new bby on the way <3333333
so. i feel the need to gloat and just generally sprinkle the happy fairy dust all over. 
i just bought myself a nikon d3100, a decent entry-level dslr. dad was okay with it, so i got it. it comes in a 26-pc kit which includes the following (copied from the ebay seller’s item details):
- Nikon D3100 14.2 Megapixel DX-format CMOS Image Sensor delivers beautiful photographs. 3-in. monitor with One-Touch Live View shooting and movie capture. Fast 11-point Autofocus System delivers razor-sharp pictures. 6 Automatic Exposure Scene Modes Just set the Mode dial to Portrait, Landscape, Child, Sports, Close-up or Night Portrait for stunning results in otherwise challenging conditions. Full 1080p HD Cinematic Video with full-time autofocus and sound lets you record cinematic-quality movies in Full 1080p HD format (1920 x 1080 pixels). In-camera Image Editing allows creative freedom, without the need for a computer, offering easy editing functions.
- Nikon 18-55mm F3.5-5.6G AF-S DX VR Zoom Lens is versatile 3x all purpose zoom lens , 18-55mm Zoom-Nikon with Silent-Wave Motor auto focusing and Nikon VR image stabilization to combat picture blur caused by camera shake for sharper hand held pictures. Ideal for many types of photography especially portrait and landscapes.
- .40x Super Wide Angle Fisheye Lens helps you create a curved effect or flat effect while zooming high image quality and speed. Great lens to use to photograph scenery.
- 2x Telephoto Lens doubles lens zoom capacity. Perfect for sporting events, distance, and outside shots. Includes Protective lens case.
- +1,+2,+4,+10 Close Up Macro Kit helps maintain resolution and picture clarity. Magnifying image size plus. Double-threaded allowing you to combine them to achieve increased magnification. Ideal for detailed shots on small items.
- UV Filter protects your camera’s lens from scratches, dust, dirt, moisture & fingerprints, while removing unwanted ultraviolet light. The UV Filter reduces blue hazed caused by UV light.
- Circular Polarizer Filter deepens and intensifies blue skies, achieves vibrant colors and reduces glare and reflections from non-metallic objects and glass surfaces. A MUST for outdoor photography.
- (2) 4GB Memory Card with high memory capacity and fast write speed, are geared for medium format and DSLR users shooting in RAW format.
- Deluxe Camera Bag is the perfect compliment to hold your equipment. It features a shock proof nylon material and is water resistant. It has a removable divider, rubber feet, shoulder strap and handle grip. Limited Lifetime Warranty.
- Camera Holster Case has a padded grab handle, protective rainflap lid, metal zipper pulls and has interior accessory pockets. Thickly soft padding for maximum protection. Accommodates DSLR with attached zoom lens and accessories. Dimensions (WxDxH): 6.3 x 4.8 x 6.7in / 16.0 x 12.1 x 17.0.
- Memory Card Reader that reads your memory card and transfers its contents to your computer.
- Extra Rechargeable Battery so you will never be without power.
- Memory Card Wallet
- 11-Piece Kit includes deluxe video & camera shoulder strap, tripod, tripod carrying case, 5 piece cleaning kit (5 cotton swabs, fiber cloth, lens cleaning fluid, blower brush & lens tissues), universal screen protectors, Corel MediaOne Editing Software (quickly & easily improve and enhance your photos and videos in an instant with only a few clicks) and 110/220 Volt Adapter.
- 3 Year Celltime Warranty Repair Package
Ah.
Finally.
:) I can’t wait for snow again! I wanna take pics of pretty snowflakes! <3
So this means I gotta work real hard. D: Sigh. this just complicated things for me.
Update: I just worked it out. It’ll take me 3 months to get things back to where they were. :D Hopefully I stay within the budget. :D
A Winter in the West Coast
Here’s a summary, and then I’m just gonna link you to the album. ;)
We went to Los Angeles, then San Diego before heading east to Las Vegas and then flew out San Francisco before getting a bus back to Los Angeles.
In Los Angeles, we went to Universal Studios and both Disneyland Parks, thanks to our Citypass. Spent two days in Disneyland, which was rather inadequate, but then again, Disneyland would be for kids. Disneyland California Adventure Park was better, thanks to the awesome rides we took. :) I still prefer Universal Studios though.
We were in San Diego for only three days though. Went to Seaworld and the San Diego Zoo, both of which were more interesting than I thought they’d be. I loved Seaworld for the shows – those are definite must-watch, definitely.
We spent five days in Vegas, which was a bit much, I think. We toured the whole strip in two nights/days. Went to Grand Canyon, took lots of pictures. My only regret — not enough $ to take that helicopter ride. But anyway, tip: DO NOT TAKE THE GREYHOUND FROM SAN DIEGO TO LAS VEGAS. One word: horrible. My best experience in Vegas — meeting a street actor dressed up as Jack Sparrow. He was charming, very charming indeed. ;)
San Francisco captured my heart. Oh, most definitely. I love everything about it – the sights, people, the food. :D I planned this leg of the trip, so we finished all the must-sees in three days. Went to Ocean Beach to see the Sutro Bath Ruins, the Golden Gate Bridge, Palace of Fine Arts, Alamo Square, Fisherman’s Wharf, Pier 39, Embarcadero, Chinatown, Lombard Street and Union Square. We stayed in North Beach. Took cable car rides. :D Worth it!
When we got back to Los Angeles again, we met up with Lynn and made new friends – Dave & Heather :D Heather’s so cool – she loves Harry Potter and she’s going backpacking with her boyfriend in March to South East Asia. :DDDDDDDDD So lucky! Dave’s awesome too, heh. Lynn practically bullied him, so we did too. It’s a given. Anyway, it was good to see them. :D And then… oh, we met up with Jason Yip. :) And had awesome dinner at the Boiling Crab. Ooh. Love that place. We went to Hollywood, took a tour of the star’s homes and got a free admission into Madame Tussaud’s. Worth it. $44 only. :) We also took pics of the stars on the Walk of Fame and some pics of the handprints outside Graumann’s Chinese Theatre. :) So far so good.
Things I learned during this trip?
Plenty! Learned to budget, most significantly. And learned to plan my time when on vacation to make the most out of it. =) Other than that, everything’s good.
Album: A Winter in the West Coast
